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A Jacket Pocket of Crayons

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rant rant rant about time family life [Aug. 3rd, 2008|10:39 am]
A Jacket Pocket of Crayons
i dont really care what anyone thinks...i am moving to frisco really soon.
i dont care if i have a really easy life right now.
whats really easy about it?
compared to everyone elses' life around..whats so easy?
my mom persuades me to stay by hella putting me down in this financial way.
whatever.
i walked downstairs today. i just said..'im going to live in frisco.'
she said 'youre gonna lose yourself there. you want to live there because of the gays'
uhh.
i said 'whyd you come to america? for the americans?'

dude.
i swear my mom makes me want to become some fucking master debater for the united states.
she is the brain of conservatism.
shes the republicans of republicans.

i love her. but really..i think i stick around too much for my mom

i was recently arguing with her about mccain and obama. and simply just saying
they both did good for their country but in different ways.
hella trying to persuade her.
maybe i need to be on a financial level to be at her level.
but i said 'why wouldnt u vote for obama?'
she said 'because hes stupid'
i asked..'why is he stupid?'
she said "he just is"

i dont care what any republican conservative asshole tells me...i mean if
people think i dont understand.
if people think just cos i'm gay i understand only the gay side of things..
no no.
YOU only understand YOUR side of things.
i've had to be open because of my parents.
i've had to tolerate CRAP.
and you know what its like..wow.

i mean now when i talk to my mom...even though of course, she's wiser about finances..
ive got the schooling to be more open minded then that

ive already tried talking to her. yeah whatever we communicate.
but honestly..like she loves me like how i love her.
to this extent thats like 'IM STILL THE LITTLE GIRL THAT GOT PERFECT ATTENDENCE AND NO I HAVENT CHANGED'

naw man. when people find out the people around them are gay, theyre like SHOCKED.
theyre like =0 OMG i didnt know that hurricane was coming! IT WAS GETTING COLD...but
i didnt see it coming!

ok i compared being gay to being like a hurricane..but honestly, people
are shocked up the ass when people come out as gay.

those people that are shocked..well they never opened their eyes nor paid much attention.

come on.

say a person is pregnant. and for months you just dont notice..
but youre like..hmm theyre getting fatter..
hmm whatever..
why dont you ASK?

see people are so afraid of asking...applying themselves to certain things...just to be curious..
to question

whats the wrong of asking.
at least someone did right?


i want to move to frisco EVENTUALLY..because i LIKE it.
sure there are gays.
but theres also a CHINATOWN.
theres the ITALIAN side.

my mom...i cant change her.

ive understand my family to the point that its like..im done. i could write a little
book and maybe sell a thousand copies.


time doesnt matter..its what you do in that time.

2 years have passed and im still stuck her.
obviously i have not been ready to go to sf.
i guess?
i dont know..i never put myself in that position to even try.

owning a lot doesnt mean you have a lot of MONEY.
because a lot of people buy things with so much of their credit
that they are owned by their credit.
and is that living?
by being owned by Visa, Mastercard, or Discover?
when dealing with hella big heads like those companies..
you have to have control.
no control?
well..shit youll have to fix something later.

im not frugal nor a prude.
i just dont have the $ i want to push myself to get certain things..

i love it..my mom said i was so stingy that i couldnt even pay my own tuition.
whoops. was i suppose to?
i had this idea that we were rich and everything..well at least well off.

no?
financial aid didnt work.
people dont tell me things til its too late.
i didnt think about the college finances.
ALOT OF PEOPLE DONT.
and they end up dropping out.
and then people blame our generation...
'DROP OUTS. GOOD FOR NOTHING'
well where was our motivation?
you know..positive words could be nice sometimes.
where were the finances, after that motivation settled into our heads?
for some reason..swiping a credit card to buy my tuition kinda makes me iffy.

but hey. we will all make it.

but TIME..time heals, time builds, and time cannot be saved.

so really, you have to think about what your time is going to..

because im fed up of being with people that cant appreciate what they have.
shit i have to live with MYSElf already..im just learning to appreciate..UHH..
LIVING FOR FREE AT MY PARENTS?
yay?
appreciate that I KNOW HOW TO TOLERATE A LOT OF BULLCRAP?

yesss. go tracy.
get that degree while you live in a classy military barrack in evergreen.


fucking hate drivin back here sometimes.

fucking hate having a car sometimes..

im a hater and i cant appreciate, right?.

ugh.

anyway.
what i havent really appreciated is my education
and dont tell me that its my fault. i wont Blame anyone..
except that i didnt really CARE about school
for the longest time
especially after having to work at my parents restaurant
at the age of 12?
taking orders from impatient angry adults?
i really dont appreciate anything that comes out of adults
really.
from adults tellin me not to hang at the mall n to do something
productive with my life, to stop skateboarding because IM NOT GETTING SPONSORED
NOR AM I GETTING BETTER?
WHEN I WAS 15, AND WORKING AFTER SCHOOL ANYWAY?
tell me..what 14 year old wants to bust their ass and see their familys
business go down
while they get lashed out at for being gay?
god.
words hurt you guys.
be careful about what you say to people.
i mean ..negative words.
like 'STUPID' 'IDIOT' 'UGLY' 'FAT' 'CHEMICALLY UNBALANCED'

watch it you guys.
everything has an effect.

just because youre yelling at your kid doesnt make it any better than slapping the kid.
nor is slapping the kid any better than negative words.


we all heal.
im healing now.
fuck maybe i need a therapist again. but fuck it. we ALL heal.
and once u realize the problem, and how u can heal..then
start the process..

BUSINESS, FAMILY, MONEY..
throw them together. try.
try succeeding and not hurting too many people.
HAHAH.


all i have to do is save my $ now..
and know what i want.
i cant stay here forever.
ive dealt with a good number of years
to be able to speak my mind, to open my mouth and say whats
up.
because even though i'm 20...ive lived with shit
that i can see repeating in the future.
do i want my kids to be bullied about stupid things?
well they will be.


americas such a melting pot that we burn each other.
theres so many different perspectives about one thing
that it makes people angry.
well ACCEPT IT..
TOLERATE THE OTHER VIEWPOINTS.
NO YOU DONT HAVE TO SAY YES TO ABORTION
but at LEAST LISTEN TO THE OTHER SIDE?
'AMERICA,LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT'
HATE IT? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
LOVE IT? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
LEAVING IT? WELL..BYE! BE HAPPY SOMEWHERE ELSE..

ITS NOT ENOUGH TO JUST SAY YOU LOVE A PLACE, PERSON, SOMETHING.

Actions.

otherwise i can just smoke weed all day, watch tyra banks,
buy Vans every month, and say.. I LOVE AMERICA!

do people say 'I LOVE BRAZIL?'

america is full of pride to the point that we never question
our pride.


or just try to shut your mouth and accept whats given to you and do something positively better than it.

god
jesus
buddah
allah
you
me
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hey drugs..go away. not even on a rainy day should you come back. [Jul. 30th, 2008|09:25 am]
A Jacket Pocket of Crayons
hella fun..hella bad..nothing great about them at all..

dont make yourself look even worse than you already do.



keeping an innocent appearance never hurt anyone.



it's so easy for the minorities, the discriminated, and people who
are just ignored
to fall into the party of coke, e, and other substances.



cos its hella fun at first.


extremely.


and yes people can quit, people can overdose,
or people can get stuck.



it's so easy to fall into it.


because we're all curious..

the end of everything is just the realization of things.



the complete realization that your focus
has been sidetracked
and everything you wanted before
well..it's not really what you have now.



life is too short..to not do what you really wanted to strive for in the first place.





but lets not be poetic or shit anymore...to be honest..

it is none of my business what you do..because the more i care the more
the more i tell myself to not.

i'm tired of seeing the ones i like fall into shit.
fall into shit i know they're so much better than.

they lose THEMSELVES in it.
and i lose myself in them when i like them.
i have to live my life you guys. everyone has to live their life.
that's why we mind our own business right?
but it can't always be like that.

intrude. speak your fucking mind. be their support.
sometimes you're the only one.
and maybe sometimes you're just acting on a crazy stint.

<3 tracy
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(no subject) [Mar. 7th, 2007|01:35 pm]
A Jacket Pocket of Crayons
hella movies and shit

that i wanna watch

and yet i cant

because of my lack of money

but hey i got a job interview at a small coffee shop in evergreen

ugh.

here i come evergreen.
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thanksgiving entry!!! [Nov. 23rd, 2006|06:22 pm]
A Jacket Pocket of Crayons
[Tags|, ]
[music |baby boy- this is the way i live]

I am thankful for:



-my parents paying for my college and allowing me to dorm on campus
even if it's only 15 minutes away from home.
because if they made me go to de anza and stay at home, i know i will
defitlently have a lot of hatred built in =)

-my education and how i get to live it through easily

-the money that i get each month even if it's only 50 a month

-my family NOW im thankful cos i do appreciate them finally.

-my friends back home and how they've stayed connected with me
even though it seems like ive been way busier and im only 15 mintues away

-my friends in college who've taught me not to be selfish, how to work hard and play even harder,
and that i can have time for anything if i make it.
i learned alot with them and its changed me =)

-all the alchohol thats passed through my life because its rode me through
fun ass times

-all the MJ i get to bake because shit thats hella fun too

-all the stoners from college because they know how to work fucking hard and then
bake when they can

-food cos i dont know how to live without it and i dont know how to cook it

-all the people that have dealt with my cruminess, problems, and attitude
in high school and college

-my cell phone cos without it i dont know where i would be at or who i would call to pick me up!

-and LIFE so far. and my age. cos i dont have to do too much shit and handle taxes because
i have my parents to do that. i am so lucky im only 18 =)
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college or bust =) [Jul. 15th, 2006|03:11 pm]
A Jacket Pocket of Crayons
[Tags|]

i'm done with my first ever college schedule =)

the orientation was severly long and pretty boring.
met some nice people
one of the orientation leadership students looked
exactly like ani difranco
i tried to get the guts to tell her that her hair was beautiful!
dreadz!



Monday=

900-1015AM: Human Behavior

1200-115PM: Statistics 95






Tuesday=

900-1015AM: Personal Academic & Career Exploration

1200pm-115pm: English 1A





Wednesday=

900am-1015: Human Behavior


1200-115PM: Statistics 95



Thursday=


900-1015AM: Personal Academic & Career Exploration

1200pm-115pm: English 1A






Friday=


900AM-1145: Intro to Philosophy





Yeah a lot of my classes seem really simple
and the only toughest class will be Stats.
and then maybe English because I haven't written
an actual good essay since the sophomore year.

I catagorized myself as Undeclared, not a Psychology major
because I really doubt I want to sit in an office listening
for hours as a job.
But i'll possibly do something in the social science field so whatever!

I feel hella dumb taking that Personal growth class thing
because i could be doing something more constructive
like History or Public Speaking.


It took me 3+ hours though to figure this schedule out!
And after me and this new buddy of mine, Oscar, were done
i hella just jumped and said "YEYY WE'RE IN COLLEGE NOW."
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san francisco again [Jul. 6th, 2006|02:04 am]
A Jacket Pocket of Crayons
[Tags|, ]
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |Tarkio- weight of the world]

Again again again...
it was better this time
because Veronica came along, and
so did Wren

we just jumped around museums the whole day

San Francisco museum hopping with a good cameraCollapse )
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past few days and the closing of our family restaurant [Jun. 27th, 2006|12:04 pm]
A Jacket Pocket of Crayons
[Tags|, ]

past few days flew like a fucking blur. again.

june 23rd- i got off of work at 630ish and decided i really had to finish my day off with a bang. so i just picked up sharon and veronica
and off we went to SF for the Trans March.
i have no pictures =(
we found great parking just a block up from where the march was starting
and then i spotted my friend Amanda who we
walked near for a good couple of blocks.
while i was walking, this woman Renee commented something
to Sharon, but then i
kinda said something and Renee just switched
over to my side and chatted with me for a couple
of blocks.
what a pretty girl...
anyway
that was my first gay march =D

June 24th-
MY BIRTHDAY!
I picked up Jolie first
then we went to Jasmins
and right when i walk into Jasmins
kitchen, theres this huge cake
on her table.
4 layers to be exact!
i was so motherfuckin happy because nobody has
ever made me a cake.
at school when everyone got cakes for their
birthday
i felt so left out
cos my birthday was in the summer
so yeah nobody really made me a cake.
but anyway
then we were off to the SF Dyke March
which was in Delores Park
so we decided to take the train
on the bart all i could think of was the
noise
the unbearable stupid noise that it made
when it went underground
and i felt like my head would burst
if i was on drugs and in that damn train with
all the gruesome noise.
and then a couple of hours later, i was.
i ate bought 2 special cookies earlier
and completely fucked up my day right there.
i thought since they were selling baked goods
that they wouldnt actually put so much marijuana
in it.
they could just fake it.
arghhh. so much shit went through my head
when i was trying to hold it up.
the cookies didnt hit me til about 30 mintues after
i sat around with all the other dykes.
but 30 mintues after was also when we were trying
to make our way back to SJ using the goddamn trains.
so..gross.
ohh but before i really hit my peak, i almost bumped
into RENEE again!
im sure it was her. my vision was so fucked up already.
but i passed her while she was walking her bike frantically.
like she had some place to go.
and it didnt hit me that that was probably
her until i was like 4 miles on the other side of SF.
slowww.
anyway...Jolie and Jasmin had to find the train back home
they claim that we werent lost
but all i remmeber was walking forever around
the train stations
and white raver-type chicks just staring
at me in the McDonalds bathroom

June 25th-
RECOVERY DAY!
but i couldnt stay home like last sunday.
because it was the last day of CHINA EXPRESS!
it was also gay pride.
which i missed...AGAIN
for the what fucking 4th time in a row?
oh well.
ill figure out what to do with all this gayness
when im older. i hope.
but anyway so i went and worked at CE for a good 11 hours?
i felt so fucking lightheaded still.
i seriously do not want to be like this when im older.
recovering from fucked up days.
i seriously wanted to just go home and hide away
because i was tired of thinking that people
knew how trashed i was.
i dont regret going to pride this year though..
so many wonderful people showed up for the last
day of our restaurant
and Freddy, this reallyyyy sweet kind-hearted
customer
brought out a type of mariachi band for us..
well it was just 2 guitar playing men and a beautiful
hispanic woman.
but he did all that for us..
and then this other customer
Kao, brought my parents some liquor.
and a lot of just postively great things happened
that day...
the whole day i just realized how my parents worked
pretty fucking hard for 3 decades

we took pictures of everything =D


China ExpressCollapse )
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omg gustavo and i make the cutest gay shits ever! [Jun. 10th, 2006|11:19 am]
A Jacket Pocket of Crayons
[Tags|]

proof!Collapse )
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Hey Guys I'm Like Not in High School Anymore =) [Jun. 9th, 2006|11:52 am]
A Jacket Pocket of Crayons
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I ended up just slap punching the dick in the neck.
He gave me the money. Yesssuah =)
Then Graduation was a couple of hours latah...

JUNE 7, 2006 yayCollapse )
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May 20th, TOMORROW! [May. 19th, 2006|10:06 am]
A Jacket Pocket of Crayons
[Tags|, ]

I am going to Ariane's graduation
no excuses reasons not to go or anything
I was hella stupid to almost choose my
manicure appointment over seeing her walk the stage
I don't think i'll ever think of something as selfish as
that anymore. Hopefully.
ARIANE'S GRADUATING!!!!
i've known her since she first came to California into
Ms Duponts 4th grade class with her
dorky slip-ons.
that's okay...almost a decade.
She's going to Swarthmore college and i'm just hella
proud of her.
damn dude people are graduating.

14/15 yrs oldh

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


last summer.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


okay thats all i could find right now =) but damn.
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